Be Brave... Live.

I used to roll my eyes at people who cried when a random celebrity died.  I just didn't understand how there could be such despair over a stranger.  But, like pretty much everything I've ever scoffed at, karma always comes back to bite me in the butt... because the news of Robin William's death hit me hard Monday.  And I confess, I cried... not only for the death of a comical genius, but for the loneliness and despair this man must have felt at the end.

Depression is ugly, people.  Depression lies.  Like the snake in the garden of Eden, Depression twists and turns it way into your mind, and your heart, and your gut; it whispers small lies at first... building and building until the only "voice" you hear is the demanding, punishing voice that is Depression.  I have danced with Depression a few times in my life.

The first was after Kid 1 was born.  It had already been established that I had OCD.  I am not the compulsive hand-washer or cleaner (sorry, Hubby!), I am the "lock-checker."  At my worst, I spent 20+ minutes just trying to exit my house.  Testing exterior doors... holding the shaft of the curling iron in my hand to make sure it was cool and off... squeezing the plug of the iron and curling iron into my hand to make imprints so I'd remember that I'd unplugged them... laying my hand on each stove burner to make sure it was cool.  Yeah... I did all of that! :(  Once I started medication (zoloft), the panicked voice in my head convincing me that I would single-handedly burn my house down with a careless light left on was muted somewhat, I could finally concentrate on the "sane" thoughts that had become buried in the cacophony of lies.  I found my "normal" again.  For me, medicine helps me sort through truths and lies.  "Mind over matter" wasn't enough for me, I needed professional, medical help.

I stopped taking Zoloft when we decided to get pregnant.   Then I decided to try breast-feeding after Kid 1 was born.  That meant a total of about a year without meds... and postpartum depression slithered through that open door inside my mind.  I remember looking at my baby and realizing just how fragile he was.  Everything he required depended on me!  The doubts got so strong that I started being afraid to walk past the top of the stairs with him.  I had visions of tossing him down the stairs, even.  I'd hold him close on the trek from our room to his room and hug the back wall - staring straight ahead to his door, walking swiftly (but not TOO quickly or I might trip!).  I didn't want to be responsible for breaking or hurting or killing him.  I reminds me now of a conversation that Twilight's Edward had with Bella:

It’s just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we’re together so that I don’t hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident.

Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 14, p.310

I didn't tell anyone my feelings - the Lies twisted and told me that "they'd" take my child away... that I was a rotten mother... that I was crazy."  When breast-feeding turned out to be a complete disaster (Thank you, God!), I returned to my prescription.  The Lies were muted; common sense could reign again.

The second time, the medicine caused the lies...
Packaging on anti-depressants tell you that if you develop suicidal tendencies, to CALL YOUR DOCTOR right away.  A few years later... this weary stay-home mom with a toddler and a new baby was exhausted.  Overweight... with high blood pressure... pulled in so many different directions...  I remember thinking that "If everyone keeps taking a piece of me... soon I'll be left with nothing but pieces..."  And, I remember thinking that perhaps it would be SO much quieter if I were dead.  Fortunately, I also remembered the warnings on the medicine package.  I called my doctor, switched my medicine, and the lies of Depression were stifled once again.

I share my story in a effort to show that if you are suffering from depression, or anxiety, or OCD, or crazy thoughts, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  There was a funny  quote kicking around that said:

1 in 4 people are crazy.

Look at your 3 best friends.

If they seem normal, it's you.

Sometimes, I think that's a bit backwards... because the amount of people I've run into who have had issues with depression, anxiety, etc. seem a lot higher than 1 in 4!  

But Depression is a powerful, powerful snake.  It crawls in and tramples all over the "sane" thoughts until all you hear are the lies.  My friend, Phil, posted this Bible verse recently:

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. (John 10:10-11 ESV)

Depression IS a thief.  It steals your joy, your sanity, your life.  And there isn't a quick fix.  There are only tools that you can try (and mix & match!) to get control over it. First, is God... and then all of the people, programs, medication, and/or therapy that God has put in place around you.  

God tells us in Isaiah 40:31-

But those who HOPE in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

And in Psalm 46:1 - 

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

God is there for you to turn towards.  And He has placed key people on this earth to help you as well.  Friends, Family, Doctors, Therapists, Medicine, Meditation, Blogging,  ... who and whatever!  Reach out.  Talk to someone.  You are not alone.  Please, use the tools around you to thwart the Lies.  Because there IS joy ahead for you.  There IS faith.  There IS life.

Everyone who's ever met me knows that my all-time favorite show is Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.  Best show ever  - seriously.  And at the end of Season 5, Buffy must sacrifice herself to save the entire world by jumping through a portal keep all hell (literally) from closing in.  She gives these final words to her sister, Dawn:

"Dawn, listen to me.  Listen.  I love you.  I will always love you.  But this is the work that I have to do.  Tell Giles... tell Giles, I figured it out.  And, and I'm okay.  And give my love to my friends.  You have to take care of them now.  You have to take care of each other.  You have to be strong, Dawn, the hardest thing in this world... is to live in it.  Be brave.  Live.  For me."

-Buffy

The hardest thing in this world... is to LIVE in it.  All of you who struggle, I encourage you to be brave.  LIVE.

♥Mags

I Found God In My Dog...

Last night, we said "good-bye" to our 13-year old Cocker Spaniel, Clifton. I'm assuming that since God took the loving care to create cats and dogs (and other pets) who would bond so fervently with his human creations, He has also provided a place for them in Heaven. So I'm comforted by the idea that Clifton is now playing with any other pets from my life as well as various relatives who have gone on before us.

Now that our "interactive stuffed animal" (He looked like a giant Webkinz), is gone, there are so many lessons I can take from his life (the equivelent of a 91-year-old!). Here are five that stand out:

1. Stop whining about the crummy stuff! - Buck up and deal with it...! About 5 years ago, Clifton went blind due to cataracts. That didn't stop him - he used his hearing and sniffer to get around. Then he lost his hearing. He was only able to smell and feel these last few years, but he still went outside... He still followed us around the house... He still explored new areas (moved furniture, a kennel). There was no whining - a dog can't complain all day long; he just deals with it. I wish humans were so adaptable. Jesus endured unspeakable pain before His death - nothing we go through will be as bad as that - so stop whining and buck up.

2. Don't Hold Grudges...! Because Clifton was blind and deaf AND insisted on being "where the action was" (i.e. wherever we were in the house), he was under-foot most of the time. Quite often, we would trip over him when he unexpectedly darted under our feet, and I'm sad to say that he was inadvertantly kicked in the head a lot. *sigh* But we never heard a growl... a snarl... nothing. Clifton was as loving as always - every day. I've got two kids who whack each other the moment the first one makes a transgression against the other. I would love it if they were as forgiving as my ol', blind & deaf dog!

3. It's the Simple Things In Life That Matter Most...! Clifton didn't need a fancy bed, or a fancy toy, or a bedazzled collar to be happy. He just wanted to be with us - snuggled on the couch watching TV... or gnawing on a piece of rawhide... or sandwiched in the bed between me and David. Above all, he wanted TIME with us... And TIME with your loved ones, is usually the best gift you can give them.

4. It's Not Always About You...! When Clifton got "old," not only did he lose his sight and hearing, but he suffered periodic seizures, and he had warts all over his skin, and he had a few cancerous tumors removed. His stomach got tricky - and about twice a week, we'd come downstairs to find he'd tossed his cookies (usually on the carpet!), or had an accident (also on the carpet). It's easy to get angry when older beings fall apart - what was once strong and independent (and in a dog's case, trained!), is now weak, fragile, and messy. But real love is a choice - and we choose to give of ourselves to care for this dog (or this grandparent or this friend) no matter how messy it gets. Caring for Clifton may have gotten frustrating at times, but it's not always about ME... it's about making life better and easier for my friend.

5. Love Unconditionally...! "A dog is the only thing on earth that will love you more than you love yourself." We are flawed, we screw up, but our dog loved us anyway. God is the same way - We make rediculous decisions every day, and God still gives us His unconditional love. Having a pet helps you love unconditionally and experience this back. We are blessed with 13 years of memories of our precious dog; he helped us become more loving people.

When God made the earth and sky, the flowers and the trees.
He then made all the snimals, the fish, the birds, and bees.
And when at last He'd finished, no one was quite the same.
He said, I'll walk this world of mine, and give each one a name."
And so He traveled far and wide and everywhere He went,
a little creature followed Him until it's strength was spent.
When all were named upon the earth and in the sky and sea,
the little creature said, "Dear Lord, there's not one left for me."
Kindly the Father said to him, "I've left you to the end.
I've turned my own name back to front called you "DOG," my friend.

Death Is Nothing At All

Today is funeral day - My grandma-in-law passed away on August 1st after a 6-mth battle with colon cancer. It is a blessing, really - she was too old for chemo, too frail for radation, and despite surgery, the cancer had spread. Moved to a nursing facility (which I lovingly refer to as "Geriatric Jail"), she was quite unhappy and even tried to ESCAPE twice! (LOVE that moxy!) So going home to Jesus, her husband, her son, and her granddaughter, Julia, is truly a reason to celebrate.

Despite everyone knowing she is "better off," there is a hole in our hearts. She was a mother, a grandma, a great-grandma, a guardian, a daughter, a sister, a friend. She is reunited with many of her loved ones, yes, but still many live here on Earth and feel the loss.

My favorite "death" poem was one that my Aunt, Great Annie, loved as well - because as long as we keep the memories of our loved ones close to our hearts, their death is nothing at all...

Death Is Nothing At All

"Death is nothing at all...
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me the easy way
which you always used. Laugh as we always laughed together.

Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be the household word it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was;
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of your mind because I am out of your sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near just around the corner.

All is well. Nothing is past; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before -
Only better, infinitely happier, and forever..."


--words attributed to Carmelite Monastery, County Waterford, Ireland

Karaoke Tuesday: Hope Now by Addison Road

So it's after Easter... everyone has had their fill of marshmallow Peeps, jellybeans, and Cadbury eggs. You may have brought your kids to the obligatory Easter Egg Hunt... you've undoubtedly taken your Easter Photos with them dressed up in their new spring clothes. Hopefully, you found a moment to reflect on the meaning behind Easter... the part that is deeper and more important than visiting with the Easter bunny. So what now?

I was struck by a new(ish) song I heard on 93.3 recently by Addison Road called Hope Now. Take a look at the lyrics below:

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

I am not my own
I've been carried by you all my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down

You've become my hearts desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free


It reminds me of 1 Corinthians 13:13. After the widely-used wedding verses on Love Is..., comes this sentence:

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.
But the greatest of these is love.

After the betrayal.

After the pain.

After the sacrifice.

After the Cross... comes Faith, Hope, and Love.

As the story posted on Easter Sunday said, we are not just celebrating "Easter" once a year. Easter is every day. Every day, we reap the benefits of Jesus' sacrifice and blessings. We may dig out the plastic eggs, bunny ears, and baskets in March and April, but it is through all seasons that we should be cognizant of the marvelous gift we were given. As the song says, it is the Love of Jesus that has set us free.

I attended an Episcopal school from grades 4-8. We had Chapel services each Thursday, and at the end of the service, the Pastor would say, "Go in peace... to love and serve the Lord" and we would reply, "Thanks be to God." While I enjoy much more the unscripted church service we attend now, I do think that farewell is fitting for this post. The best way to show our gratitude for the blessing of Jesus' sacrifice is, indeed, to go in peace... to love and serve the Lord.

Thanks be to God. ♥

My Name Is Maggie... Do You Believe In Easter?

If you are actually stopping by here on Easter Sunday, I imagine you are looking for something more meaningful than the crackle of the wrapper around a Reese's Peanut Butter egg (my personal favorite Easter treat)... so I have a story for you:

THE STORY OF EDITH BURNS

original story by Russel Kelfer

Edith Burns was a wonderful Christian who lived in San Antonio, Texas. She was the patient of a doctor by the name of Will Phillips. Dr. Phillips was a gentle doctor who saw patients as people.
His favorite patient was Edith Burns.

One morning he went to his office with a heavy heart and it was because of Edith Burns. When he walked into that waiting room, there sat Edith with her big black Bible in her lap earnestly talking to a young mother sitting beside her. Edith Burns had a habit of introducing herself in this way: "Hello, my name is Edith Burns. Do you believe in Easter?" Then she would explain the meaning of Easter, and many times people would be saved.

Dr. Phillips walked into that office and there he saw the head nurse, Beverly. Beverly had first met Edith when she was taking her blood pressure. Edith began by saying,"My name is Edith Burns. Do you believe in Easter?"

Beverly said, "Why yes I do."

Edith said, "Well, what do you believe about Easter?"

Beverly said, "Well, it's all about egg hunts, going to church, and dressing up." Edith kept pressing her about the real meaning of Easter, and finally led her to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ.

Dr. Phillips said, "Beverly, don't call Edith into the office quite yet. I believe there is another delivery taking place in the waiting room."

After being called back in the doctor's office, Edith sat down and when she took a look at the doctor she said, "Dr. Will, why are you so sad? Are you reading your Bible? Are you praying?"

Dr. Phillips said gently, "Edith, I'm the doctor and you're the patient"
With a heavy heart he said, "Your lab report came back and it says you have cancer, and Edith, you're not going to live very long."

Edith said, "Why Will Phillips, shame on you. Why are you so sad? Do you think God makes mistakes? You have just told me I'm going to see my precious Lord Jesus, my husband, and my friends. You have just told me that I am going to celebrate Easter forever, and here you are having difficulty giving me my ticket!"

Dr. Phillips thought to himself, "What a magnificent woman this Edith Burns is!"

Edith continued coming to Dr. Phillips Christmas came and the office was closed through January 3rd. On the day the office opened, Edith did not show up. Later that afternoon, Edith called Dr. Phillips and said she would have to be moving her story to the hospital and said, "Will, I'm very near home, so would you make sure that they put women in here next to me in my room who need to know about Easter."

Well, they did just that and women began to come in and share that room with Edith. Many women were saved. Everybody on that floor from staff to patients were so excited about Edith, that they started calling her Edith Easter; that is everyone except Phyllis Cross, the head nurse.

Phyllis made it plain that she wanted nothing to do with Edith because she was a "religious nut". She had been a nurse in an army hospital. She had seen it all and heard it all. She was the original G.I. Jane. She had been married three times, she was hard, cold, and did everything by the book.

One morning the two nurses who were to attend to Edith were sick.

Edith had the flu and Phyllis Cross had to go in and give her a shot. When she walked in, Edith had a big smile on her face and said, "Phyllis, God loves you and I love you, and I have been praying for you."

Phyllis Cross said, "Well, you can quit praying for me, it won't work... I'm not interested."

Edith said, "Well, I will pray and I have asked God not to let me go home until you come into the family."

Phyllis Cross said, "Then you will never die because that will never happen," and curtly walked out of the room.

Every day Phyllis Cross would walk into the room and Edith would say, "God loves you Phyllis and I love you, and I'm praying for you."

One day Phyllis Cross said she was literally drawn to Edith's room like a magnet would draw iron. She sat down on the bed and Edith said, "I'm so glad you have come, because God told me that today is your special day"

Phyllis Cross said, "Edith, you have asked everybody here the question, "Do you believe in Easter but you have never asked me."

Edith said, "Phyllis, I wanted to many times, but God told me to wait until you asked, and now that you have asked." Edith Burns took her Bible and shared with Phyllis Cross the Easter Story of the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Edith said, "Phyllis, do you believe in Easter? Do you believe that Jesus Christ is alive and that He wants to live in your heart?"

Cross said, "Oh I want to believe that with all of my heart, and I do want Jesus in my life. "
Right there, Phyllis Cross prayed and invited Jesus Christ into her heart. For the first time Phyllis Cross did not walk out of a hospital room, she was carried out on the wings of angels.

Two days later, Phyllis Cross came in and Edith said, "Do you know what day it is?" Phyllis Cross said, "Why Edith, it's Good Friday." Edith said, "Oh, no, for you every day is Easter. Happy Easter Phyllis!"

Two days later, on Easter Sunday, Phyllis Cross came into work, did some of her duties and then went down to the flower shop and got some Easter lilies because she wanted to go up to see Edith and give her some Easter lilies and wish her a Happy Easter.

When she walked into Edith's room, Edith was in bed. That big black Bible was on her lap. Her hands were in that Bible. There was a sweet smile on her face. When Phyllis Cross went to pick up Edith's hand, she realized Edith was dead. Her left hand was on John 14: "In my Father's house are many mansions. I go to prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also." Her right hand was on Revelation 21:4, "And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes, there shall be no more death nor sorrow, nor crying; and there shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away." Phyllis Cross took one look at that dead body, and then lifted her face toward heaven, and with tears streaming down here cheeks, said, "Happy Easter, Edith - Happy Easter!"

Phyllis Cross left Edith's body, walked out of the room, and over to a table where two student nurses were sitting. She said, "My name is Phyllis Cross. Do you believe in Easter?"


God works in wonderful ways, and to believe in his power is to truly be free. Not only do I wish you and yours a Happy Easter - but I wish for you the ability to see Easter as a daily celebration of His love for you. More than bunnies, and chicks, and eggs, and baskets... More than a once-a-year party... but as a daily reminder of the promises that are still to come in your life.

So......

Do you believe in Easter?

I Found God In A Quilt...

Got this great inspiration email from Gran-Roberta (my-step-grandma-in-law):

Quilt of Holes

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the
bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.
Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my
world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.

Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, "Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles. Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you."

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!

God determines who walks into your life ... it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.'

When there is nothing left but God...

that is when you find out that God is all you need.

I Found God In Hospital Shoes...

Today is my birthday! :) It seems fitting in this series on God and Shoes to insert part of my personal testimony on this day... especially since it involves shoes...

GOD & HOSPITAL SHOES

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I had had dizzy/weakness spells since high school, but no doctor had ever taken them seriously. In December 2001, I held my son, Jack (who was 11 months old at the time), and I had one so strong that my entire left side went numb, and I dropped Jack on the kitchen floor.

An MRI yielded an answer: a quarter-sized “benign cystic glioma” growing in the rear, right-hand part of my brain. It was causing seizures (those dizzy-things) that were gaining in strength as it grew. Scarily enough, a Google search of "cystic glioma" revealed that I had only 18 months to live. As you can imagine, I was hysterical. I remember calling my family doctor and telling the receptionist, "This is Maggie. I have a brain tumor, and I need to talk to my doctor NOW!!!" I think that was the first and only time where I’ve ever gotten through to a doctor on the phone. Fortunately the World Wide Web was wrong (the key word missing in my search was “benign.”) But the tumor still had to come out.

So in February, I settled in at University Hospital. I required two surgeries about four days apart... TWO surgeries because the neurosurgeon didn’t get it all the first time around. Both times, as I went into the operating room, I held a photo of Jack in my hand… all the while murmuring that “A year (with my son) was not enough” and hoping that God felt the same way. I was scared to death! My husband and parents sat in the waiting room for several hours waiting to hear reports from the surgical nurses.

After I awoke from the 2nd surgery, I was in for a shock. No feeling on my left side. I couldn’t hold a pen, I couldn’t walk… my left side was useless. I was completely disoriented and apparently quite disagreeable. I don’t remember much of the first few days except for snippets here and there; I’m sure my brain was somewhat scrambled! I remember asking for my best friend, Debbie, a lot – that was the only person I wanted to see. I remember getting my arm stuck in the bars of my hospital bed and calling out for help seemingly forever. I vaguely remember begging a nurse to let me call my husband, David – even though it was 2AM – and when she finally gave me the phone, apparently, I cried and told him to come and get me, that the nurses were hurting me. At 2AM, with Jack sleeping down the hall, what was David going to do? He talked to the nurse getting her assurances that I was totally out-of-my-mind and they were not, in fact, hurting me; He planned to return to the hospital first thing in the morning.

Sometimes, in your life, you come to a point where you hit a wall: a crisis of faith. You realize that the event facing you is bigger than you… monstrous, UN-scale-able. You realize that you have absolutely NO CONTROL – and to get through it, you must turn to the One who is “big” enough to help you through this. At the moment of that frantic, wild, middle-of-the-night phone call, there was nothing David could do except pray. Pray for strength for himself. Pray for healing for me. Pray that I was not surrounded by a bunch of sadistic hospital personnel. Pray that he wouldn’t be left a single-father.

Before each of my surgeries, there was nothing I could do but pray. Pray for strength… pray for healing. Pray that the surgeons would successfully remove the tumor (although apparently I should have prayed that it only took one surgery!). Pray that God would allow me to be David’s wife and Jack’s mother a while longer. I had left letters for David and Jack… “just in case” I didn’t make it… praying fervently the whole time that they wouldn’t have cause to read them.

What do you do in this kind of situation if you don’t have faith? How do you go into surgery on your brain, no less, if you don’t believe that a higher power is watching over you… One who had your best interests at heart? How do you sit in a waiting room while your wife has part of her skull removed and her brain dissected, to remove a tumor?

David and I both released control of our lives to an entity we cannot see, hear, smell, or touch – believing in God’s love and power to help us through this. Whatever you face, whatever your wall – nothing is too big for God. Two surgeries and a few months of rehab later, I am healed. I can walk. I can move my left side. I am alive. Hospital booties are some scary shoes to wear… and the last thing you want to do is GIVE UP control of anything. But God “has your back” – and He is big enough to help you navigate even the scariest of paths.

I Found God In Rain...

Please forgive the quietness on the God Blog - we were on vacation to Tennessee with our best friends for the last 5 days. It seems fairly impossible that there is still ANY place left on this earth without an Internet connection, but we managed to find one! And although I was yearning to check email, to blog, to make some digital scrap kits, or to just mindlessly web-surf, I was blocked by the angry, red, Intel Wireless icon blinking "NO WIRELESS CONNECTION." Of course, this was probably God's reminder that this was a family vacation, and I wasn't supposed to be spending it on the computer, anyway. :) We had a wonderful time: swimming on Lake Norris, tubing (WOW! What a rush!), hiking (Okay... that was my husband, his friend, and all of the kids... I don't really like "nature..."), or just lounging around laughing. We are blessed to have such good friends with whom we can spend a week and not kill each other (the kids whacking each other with pool cues doesn't count, does it?!) :)

But when we returned today, I was anxious to power-up the laptop and check email (846 emails!), check my groups, read comments from the blogs (Whoo-hoo...there were some!), and pop in to all of my favorite web spots! In a Christian scrapbooking group I belong to, someone posted a link to an amazing blog called Bring The Rain. I wasn't familiar with the group, Selah, but apparently the wife of one of the singers has started this blog about her family's journey through a pregnancy that would not result in a baby to raise on earth.

Now I've mentioned before that my sister-in-law & brother-in-law lost their beautiful baby daughter, Julia Ellen, after only 6 days of life. She was born in April 2006 with the genetic abnormality called Trisomy 18. The complications that arise from the extra chromosome at the 18th place makes the chance of even a baby surviving delivery a long shot. But our Julia persevered, and her parents at least had 6 days to meet her, and hold her, and sing to her, and know her.

It has been 2 years since we attended Julia's memorial; and in that time, I have seen my in-laws' faith and love of God grow stronger - even in the face of the greatest loss they could imagine - the loss of their child. I read somewhere that "pain of that kind of loss never goes away; rather that you slowly become strong enough to bear it." I think that strength comes from one slowly releasing the reigns of control and handing over all of their worries and concerns and wishes and dreams to God. From what I've read so far (and I'm only in "March!") Angie, the author of the Bring The Rain blog, has truly done this as well. For a woman who is writing about the impending death of her child, Audrey Caroline, she has found God working miracles already in Audrey's life... even if that life only exists within Angie's womb.

If you are facing something so huge that it seems to eclipse your ability to think, to plan, to reason, to be - then please stop by Angie's blog. It is a story of hope - not of death - and I think it will bring you perspective and comfort.

♥Mags

I Found God In A Coincidence...

If Julia had lived, our family would have been to a 2-year old-birthday party for my niece on Monday, April 21st.

Sadly, Julia was born in 2006 with Trisomy 18, a chromosomal abnormality that is incompatible with life. She exceeded doctors' expectations, though, by living 6 days instead of passing away immediately or being stillborn.

So on this 2008 Monday afternoon, I was just watching mindless TV - waiting for my first grader to return home from school when my mind started wandering to Julia. I was thinking that, had she lived, we'd be getting ready to go to my sister-in-law's house for a family party... that Julia would probably be wearing some ridiculously-cute, pink frilly dress bought by Nana... that my sis-in-law, Stephany, would have baked a cake and adorned it with pink or lavender icing... that my boys would've helped pick out a fun 2-year-old-GIRL toy for Julia - grumbling that they "hate Barbies" of course - but all the while being careful to choose just the perfect gift...

As I was thinking all this, I felt a voice in my head say "Call her." I wondered what I would say... after two years, there are only so many ways you can verbalize "sorry about your daughter," you know. But, I figured maybe we could all go out to dinner - and while it wouldn't be the same as a real party, maybe we pick a place with balloons and send them up to Heaven with birthday wishes written on them (I keep a Sharpie in my purse for that very reason!). :)

When I called, I could tell Stephany was teary... she said she had just been looking at some of Julia's pictures - and that 4:30 (the time I had called) was the time of day that Julia had been born...!

I made my dinner offer, and they accepted... so she and my brother-in-law (Tim), my two boys, and I went to Red Robin. We had the onion ring tower (of course!), our dinners, and then splurged on dessert in honor of Julia. The boys helped write messages on the balloons and then released them to heaven outside. We watched those balloons sail straight up to the clouds - and the moment they blinked out of sight, my kids knew that Julia had reached out to snag them. :)


Was it mere coincidence that I felt the urge to call Stephany at 4:30 that afternoon... the exact time she was remembering her dear daughter? I doubt it... because that little voice you sometimes hear in your head.....?

That's GOD talking to you.

You can override His request by choosing to do the opposite.
You can mute His voice by filling your head with other thoughts.
You can be so busy with trivial things that you aren't even aware that He is speaking to you.

But if you open your mind and L I S T E N... you will start to hear Him talking to you. Speaking. TO. YOU.

And when the creator of the entire universe chooses to send you a message... don't you think it would be wise to listen up?! I did the random opening of my Bible just now (The Message translation) it opened to Psalm 119...starting at verse 129:

Every word you give me is a miracle word -

how could I help but obey?

Break open your words, let the light shine out,

let ordinary people see the meaning.

Mouth open and panting,

I wanted your commands more than anything.

Turn my way, look kindly on me,

as you always do to those who personally love you....

And at verse 139...

You ARE right and you DO right, God;

your decisions are right on target.

You rightly instruct us in how to live

ever faithful to you.

Are you listening?

Are you really and truly listening?

Because God might have something to say to you... and you wouldn't want to miss it.

By hearing God say two simple words: Call her. I believe that we, in a small, simple way, helped lighten the heavy burden that my in-laws were feeling that day. I could've ignored it. I could've have "planned" to call later. But I chose to listen - and I (and, I hope, my in-laws) were a little better for it.

Thanks, God, for giving me a shout-out! I invite you to call on me anytime!

Take care of you and yours,

:) Mags

An Invite To God Big Party... A Reason to CELEBRATE!!

There's been a lot of death around here... :( In a span of a week, my sons AND their two closest friends all lost a great-grandparent! It can be tough explaining "death" to kids - my husband and I are of the mind that we won't block our kids from knowing when someone close to us dies. Though they are only 7 and 4, they've already gone through the loss of their infant cousin, Julia, two years ago, and Great Annie - my aunt - who had lived with my family for over 20 years and was like a 2nd mother to me...

She died on January 1st, 2006, and our oldest son, Jack, was almost 5. I'll never forget our conversation the morning after... when I had to tell him that Great Annie had died:

Mom: Remember how I went to the hospital with Great Annie last night?

Jack: Yeah - is she sick?

Mom: Well... she died, honey.

Jack: (yells) THAT'S FANTASTIC!!!!!!!

Mom: What?

Jack: (still hollering) SHE GOT TO GO TO GOD'S BIG PARTY?!

Mom: (now ready to cry at this excited display of emotion) Well... yes... she went to Heaven to be at God's big party.

I then explained that the little hospital she was at had air-lifted her by helicopter to the big UC Hospital...

(please forgive the all-caps... but he really was yelling...) :)

Jack: (now clapping too) WHAT A GREAT DAY FOR HER!! SHE GOT TO RIDE IN A HELICOPTER AND GO TO GOD'S PARTY ALL IN THE SAME DAY?!? WOW!


Isn't that just amazing?! Here I was with this jagged grief-hole in my heart, and my son was giddy... jubilant... ecstatic that Great Annie had not only gone to Heaven to be with Jesus... but had ridden in a helicopter to get there!!

And, isn't that how we all should be when a loved one dies...? When we know that they have flown off to Heaven to the biggest and best party in the universe hosted by God, Almighty, himself?! I try to hold onto my son's words when I hear of someone's passing... because out of the mouth of a child came true wisdom that day. I have no doubt that God gave those words to my son... to help lessen my grief and to show me that in death, there IS eternal life.

Amen!

If this blog has touched your heart, please leave a comment below... it makes me feel like someone is reading it!! THX! :) - Mags