Be Brave... Live.

I used to roll my eyes at people who cried when a random celebrity died.  I just didn't understand how there could be such despair over a stranger.  But, like pretty much everything I've ever scoffed at, karma always comes back to bite me in the butt... because the news of Robin William's death hit me hard Monday.  And I confess, I cried... not only for the death of a comical genius, but for the loneliness and despair this man must have felt at the end.

Depression is ugly, people.  Depression lies.  Like the snake in the garden of Eden, Depression twists and turns it way into your mind, and your heart, and your gut; it whispers small lies at first... building and building until the only "voice" you hear is the demanding, punishing voice that is Depression.  I have danced with Depression a few times in my life.

The first was after Kid 1 was born.  It had already been established that I had OCD.  I am not the compulsive hand-washer or cleaner (sorry, Hubby!), I am the "lock-checker."  At my worst, I spent 20+ minutes just trying to exit my house.  Testing exterior doors... holding the shaft of the curling iron in my hand to make sure it was cool and off... squeezing the plug of the iron and curling iron into my hand to make imprints so I'd remember that I'd unplugged them... laying my hand on each stove burner to make sure it was cool.  Yeah... I did all of that! :(  Once I started medication (zoloft), the panicked voice in my head convincing me that I would single-handedly burn my house down with a careless light left on was muted somewhat, I could finally concentrate on the "sane" thoughts that had become buried in the cacophony of lies.  I found my "normal" again.  For me, medicine helps me sort through truths and lies.  "Mind over matter" wasn't enough for me, I needed professional, medical help.

I stopped taking Zoloft when we decided to get pregnant.   Then I decided to try breast-feeding after Kid 1 was born.  That meant a total of about a year without meds... and postpartum depression slithered through that open door inside my mind.  I remember looking at my baby and realizing just how fragile he was.  Everything he required depended on me!  The doubts got so strong that I started being afraid to walk past the top of the stairs with him.  I had visions of tossing him down the stairs, even.  I'd hold him close on the trek from our room to his room and hug the back wall - staring straight ahead to his door, walking swiftly (but not TOO quickly or I might trip!).  I didn't want to be responsible for breaking or hurting or killing him.  I reminds me now of a conversation that Twilight's Edward had with Bella:

It’s just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we’re together so that I don’t hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident.

Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 14, p.310

I didn't tell anyone my feelings - the Lies twisted and told me that "they'd" take my child away... that I was a rotten mother... that I was crazy."  When breast-feeding turned out to be a complete disaster (Thank you, God!), I returned to my prescription.  The Lies were muted; common sense could reign again.

The second time, the medicine caused the lies...
Packaging on anti-depressants tell you that if you develop suicidal tendencies, to CALL YOUR DOCTOR right away.  A few years later... this weary stay-home mom with a toddler and a new baby was exhausted.  Overweight... with high blood pressure... pulled in so many different directions...  I remember thinking that "If everyone keeps taking a piece of me... soon I'll be left with nothing but pieces..."  And, I remember thinking that perhaps it would be SO much quieter if I were dead.  Fortunately, I also remembered the warnings on the medicine package.  I called my doctor, switched my medicine, and the lies of Depression were stifled once again.

I share my story in a effort to show that if you are suffering from depression, or anxiety, or OCD, or crazy thoughts, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  There was a funny  quote kicking around that said:

1 in 4 people are crazy.

Look at your 3 best friends.

If they seem normal, it's you.

Sometimes, I think that's a bit backwards... because the amount of people I've run into who have had issues with depression, anxiety, etc. seem a lot higher than 1 in 4!  

But Depression is a powerful, powerful snake.  It crawls in and tramples all over the "sane" thoughts until all you hear are the lies.  My friend, Phil, posted this Bible verse recently:

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. (John 10:10-11 ESV)

Depression IS a thief.  It steals your joy, your sanity, your life.  And there isn't a quick fix.  There are only tools that you can try (and mix & match!) to get control over it. First, is God... and then all of the people, programs, medication, and/or therapy that God has put in place around you.  

God tells us in Isaiah 40:31-

But those who HOPE in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

And in Psalm 46:1 - 

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

God is there for you to turn towards.  And He has placed key people on this earth to help you as well.  Friends, Family, Doctors, Therapists, Medicine, Meditation, Blogging,  ... who and whatever!  Reach out.  Talk to someone.  You are not alone.  Please, use the tools around you to thwart the Lies.  Because there IS joy ahead for you.  There IS faith.  There IS life.

Everyone who's ever met me knows that my all-time favorite show is Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.  Best show ever  - seriously.  And at the end of Season 5, Buffy must sacrifice herself to save the entire world by jumping through a portal keep all hell (literally) from closing in.  She gives these final words to her sister, Dawn:

"Dawn, listen to me.  Listen.  I love you.  I will always love you.  But this is the work that I have to do.  Tell Giles... tell Giles, I figured it out.  And, and I'm okay.  And give my love to my friends.  You have to take care of them now.  You have to take care of each other.  You have to be strong, Dawn, the hardest thing in this world... is to live in it.  Be brave.  Live.  For me."

-Buffy

The hardest thing in this world... is to LIVE in it.  All of you who struggle, I encourage you to be brave.  LIVE.

♥Mags

Suck it, Satan! Part II

Ever have one of those days where you realize Satan is up and running with his "A-GAME" while you are still crawling out of bed...?


I'm having that kind of day...

• My son fumbled with this prescription allergy medicine - and the bottle slipped from his hands... spilling little pink pills on the kitchen floor.  I was scurrying around trying to get them all before the dog ate one... while assuring my son that the 5-second rules doesn't apply for prescription meds...
• Then, I had to go grocery shopping - which is like a scavenger hunt now because our local Kroger is re-vamping, re-modeling, and re-arranging the entire store - so it took me at least twice as long to find what I needed... and the cashier's computer jammed up... where the cashier oh-so-helpfully let me know that it was MY fault for having both paper coupons AND electronic coupons which gum up the machine....
• While I was excited to remember to pick up some pretty nail polish at the store (it's spring... sandals-weather!), there was apparently a hole in my grocery sack because it fell out and broke.... on our kitchen floor... spraying metallic-pink nail polish all over the WHITE kitchen tile and grout.  So desperate was I to paint my toenails, that I scooped up the broken bottle and quickly opened the regular end, dipping the little brush into the spilled blobs of paint to paint my toes before it dried.  THEN I cleaned it up and put away the groceries... ;)
• After the groceries were stored, I stopped down to visit a friend and her cute dog... who decided to pee on my jeans... the cute jeans I WAS going to wear to an event at our church tonight.
• My friend was making these special cakes for the church event.  One wouldn't hold together and effectively disintegrated while I was there... at least I got to eat the broken cake and it's yummy icing (score!), but she'll have to make a whole new cake.

And it's only noon.

Today is one of those days where Satan has planned ahead, gotten his act together, and is letting his little, irritating gremlins run free.  Nothing big - no huge catastrophe - but a bunch of little things that have pushed me into a truly foul and funky mood.  

But I remembered a post I did in December 2010 called "In a Nutshell... Suck it, Satan!" and I decided to just shake off this bad mood, count the many blessings, be thankful for the days that aren't a mess, and tell Satan to go bother somebody else!

Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. You're not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It's the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won't last forever. It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does.

1 Peter 5:8 (Msg)

Suck it, Satan.

God has my back.

And He is BIGGER than you.

:) Mags

Finding God in Adversity...

As much as I would have loved to have come up with this myself, this post was copied from the Cowboys-4-Christ Facebook page.  Please support them by "liking" their page.  




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A daughter complained to her father about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it, and wanted to give up. She was tired of all the fighting and struggling. It seemed as though in solving one problem, two more would arise.

Her father, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil.

In one he placed carrots,
in the second he placed eggs,
and the last he placed ground coffee beans.

He let them sit and boil without saying a word. The daughter impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing. In about twenty minutes he turned off the burners.

He fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl.
He pulled the eggs out and placed them a bowl.
Then he ladled the coffee out and poured it in a cup.

Turning to her he asked. "Darling, what do you see?" "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. He brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. She smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.
She humbly asked. "What does it mean Father?"

He explained that each of them had faced the same adversity, boiling water, but each reacted differently. The carrots went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. But after being subjected to the boiling water, they softened and became weak.
The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But after sitting through the boiling water, the insides became hardened.

However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water. 

"Which are you," he asked his daughter.
"When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?
Are you a carrot,
an egg,
or a coffee bean?
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In the face of adversity, how do YOU respond?
Do you become weak?  Do you become strong?
Or do you do even more... and take that hardship, and turn it into something amazing.


Consider Bethany Hamilton, Nick Vujicic, or this little boy:

Those people are testaments to doing MORE than surviving.  Those people are like the "coffee" - they changed the atmosphere and the people around them - by sharing their stories (both the good things AND the hard things), and by going out and LIVING... out loud.

But, some scars people have are hidden... pushed deep down in a dark place so that they can manage each day without falling apart.  To these people I give my prayers and encouragement that they find, at least ONE person, to whom they can unburden themselves.  Because sometimes, all you need is to open the door a crack to start the healing.

A favorite show of mine is Grey's Anatomy.  In one of the episodes, the Chief of Staff stops one of his interns from wallowing in her perceived failures with this quote:

Chin up.  Put your shoulders back, walk proud, strut a little.

Don't lick your wounds; celebrate them.

The scars you bear are the signs of a competitor.

You're in a lion fight.  

Just because you didn't win [that time] doesn't mean you don't know how to roar.

The scars you have, whether they be physical, mental, or emotional, do NOT have to define you.  You are not broken.   And sometimes... many times... surviving = winning.  And you are never alone in your fight... God is with you.

God's the one who rebuilds Jerusalem, 
      who regathers Israel's scattered exiles. 
   He heals the heartbroken 
      and bandages their wounds. 
   He counts the stars 
      and assigns each a name. 
   Our Lord is great, with limitless strength; 
      we'll never comprehend what he knows and does. 
   God puts the fallen on their feet again 
      and pushes the wicked into the ditch.

Psalm 147:3 (MSG)

So when you are faced with a hardship, a problem, or a catastrophe, at the very least, try to be the egg - get stronger with each hard moment.  And eventually, you might find that you can become the coffee bean.  Because you can affect others with your strength, endurance, and perseverance.  That's #WINNING. 

:)