Be Brave... Live.

I used to roll my eyes at people who cried when a random celebrity died.  I just didn't understand how there could be such despair over a stranger.  But, like pretty much everything I've ever scoffed at, karma always comes back to bite me in the butt... because the news of Robin William's death hit me hard Monday.  And I confess, I cried... not only for the death of a comical genius, but for the loneliness and despair this man must have felt at the end.

Depression is ugly, people.  Depression lies.  Like the snake in the garden of Eden, Depression twists and turns it way into your mind, and your heart, and your gut; it whispers small lies at first... building and building until the only "voice" you hear is the demanding, punishing voice that is Depression.  I have danced with Depression a few times in my life.

The first was after Kid 1 was born.  It had already been established that I had OCD.  I am not the compulsive hand-washer or cleaner (sorry, Hubby!), I am the "lock-checker."  At my worst, I spent 20+ minutes just trying to exit my house.  Testing exterior doors... holding the shaft of the curling iron in my hand to make sure it was cool and off... squeezing the plug of the iron and curling iron into my hand to make imprints so I'd remember that I'd unplugged them... laying my hand on each stove burner to make sure it was cool.  Yeah... I did all of that! :(  Once I started medication (zoloft), the panicked voice in my head convincing me that I would single-handedly burn my house down with a careless light left on was muted somewhat, I could finally concentrate on the "sane" thoughts that had become buried in the cacophony of lies.  I found my "normal" again.  For me, medicine helps me sort through truths and lies.  "Mind over matter" wasn't enough for me, I needed professional, medical help.

I stopped taking Zoloft when we decided to get pregnant.   Then I decided to try breast-feeding after Kid 1 was born.  That meant a total of about a year without meds... and postpartum depression slithered through that open door inside my mind.  I remember looking at my baby and realizing just how fragile he was.  Everything he required depended on me!  The doubts got so strong that I started being afraid to walk past the top of the stairs with him.  I had visions of tossing him down the stairs, even.  I'd hold him close on the trek from our room to his room and hug the back wall - staring straight ahead to his door, walking swiftly (but not TOO quickly or I might trip!).  I didn't want to be responsible for breaking or hurting or killing him.  I reminds me now of a conversation that Twilight's Edward had with Bella:

It’s just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we’re together so that I don’t hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident.

Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 14, p.310

I didn't tell anyone my feelings - the Lies twisted and told me that "they'd" take my child away... that I was a rotten mother... that I was crazy."  When breast-feeding turned out to be a complete disaster (Thank you, God!), I returned to my prescription.  The Lies were muted; common sense could reign again.

The second time, the medicine caused the lies...
Packaging on anti-depressants tell you that if you develop suicidal tendencies, to CALL YOUR DOCTOR right away.  A few years later... this weary stay-home mom with a toddler and a new baby was exhausted.  Overweight... with high blood pressure... pulled in so many different directions...  I remember thinking that "If everyone keeps taking a piece of me... soon I'll be left with nothing but pieces..."  And, I remember thinking that perhaps it would be SO much quieter if I were dead.  Fortunately, I also remembered the warnings on the medicine package.  I called my doctor, switched my medicine, and the lies of Depression were stifled once again.

I share my story in a effort to show that if you are suffering from depression, or anxiety, or OCD, or crazy thoughts, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  There was a funny  quote kicking around that said:

1 in 4 people are crazy.

Look at your 3 best friends.

If they seem normal, it's you.

Sometimes, I think that's a bit backwards... because the amount of people I've run into who have had issues with depression, anxiety, etc. seem a lot higher than 1 in 4!  

But Depression is a powerful, powerful snake.  It crawls in and tramples all over the "sane" thoughts until all you hear are the lies.  My friend, Phil, posted this Bible verse recently:

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. (John 10:10-11 ESV)

Depression IS a thief.  It steals your joy, your sanity, your life.  And there isn't a quick fix.  There are only tools that you can try (and mix & match!) to get control over it. First, is God... and then all of the people, programs, medication, and/or therapy that God has put in place around you.  

God tells us in Isaiah 40:31-

But those who HOPE in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

And in Psalm 46:1 - 

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

God is there for you to turn towards.  And He has placed key people on this earth to help you as well.  Friends, Family, Doctors, Therapists, Medicine, Meditation, Blogging,  ... who and whatever!  Reach out.  Talk to someone.  You are not alone.  Please, use the tools around you to thwart the Lies.  Because there IS joy ahead for you.  There IS faith.  There IS life.

Everyone who's ever met me knows that my all-time favorite show is Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.  Best show ever  - seriously.  And at the end of Season 5, Buffy must sacrifice herself to save the entire world by jumping through a portal keep all hell (literally) from closing in.  She gives these final words to her sister, Dawn:

"Dawn, listen to me.  Listen.  I love you.  I will always love you.  But this is the work that I have to do.  Tell Giles... tell Giles, I figured it out.  And, and I'm okay.  And give my love to my friends.  You have to take care of them now.  You have to take care of each other.  You have to be strong, Dawn, the hardest thing in this world... is to live in it.  Be brave.  Live.  For me."

-Buffy

The hardest thing in this world... is to LIVE in it.  All of you who struggle, I encourage you to be brave.  LIVE.

♥Mags

A Squashed Sandwich... Part 2 of "A Fork In The Road"

This post is a follow-up to "The Fork In the Road" Discussion.  If you haven't read it yet, you should probably read that first. :)

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There was a girl in my 4th, 5th, and 6th grade classes in elementary school who, every day at lunch, would reach over with her fist, hover over someone's sandwich or bag of chips, and then slam her fist down - crushing the food flat underneath.  Since each grade level at my small school only had 15 kids in it - half of them girls, you pretty much HAD to sit with this bully (let's call her "Hester*") or face sitting alone in the cafeteria.  At least, I was safe in the knowledge that Hester was an equal-opportunity squasher; by statistics alone, I had a 6-in-7 chance of keeping my sandwich intact.  But at least one day every couple of weeks, I knew that I'd be eating squashed peanut butter & jelly - or have to forgo lunch altogether.  :(

I was thinking about this as I talked to people about my last blog post on purity and forks.  That post was largely concentrated on people who CHOOSE to have sex in high school (or younger - *sigh*), but I was reminded by more than one person, that there are too many girls (and boys, even) who have had sexual behaviors forced upon them without their consent.  I remember hearing statistics in my junior high sex education class: that 1-in-4 girls would be sexually assaulted in their lifetime.  (That was the mid-1980's).  And I remember looking around at my classmates thinking, "Surely that can't be right? - That would mean that, statistically, 2 of my female classmates could face that sometime!"


The current statistics are even more sobering-- and have moved to 1-in-3 vs. 1-in-4.  According to RAINN, 44% of rape victims are under age 18.  Every 2 minutes, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted.  And there is an average of 207,753 victims of sexual assault each year, aged 12 and older.  Approximately 2/3 of all assaults are committed by someone known to the victim, and 38% of rapists are a "friend" or acquaintance.


That means YES - quite possibly, that girl you sit next to in chemistry class... might be dealing with a friend-of-the-family hurting her.  The withdrawn girl on the bus... could be being molested by her uncle.  That "promiscuous" girl that everybody "knows"... may just be acting out because she has been raped already - so she figures why bother "protecting her virtue."  The goth girl who pushes everybody away... she is trying to be as "ugly" as possible so she won't be raped again.


And it's even quite possible that one of your friends - someone to whom you share your secrets (the boy you are crushing on, the math test you failed, the normal everyday angst of high school) has been stuffing down her own horrible secrets of abuse so that she can forget... just for a minute... and feel "normal" by listening to your "problems."  It is quite possible that you'll never know what horrors your friend faces each evening when she gets home from school


These kids-with-secrets didn't ASK to be raped... or assaulted... or abused.  Like my lunchtime sandwich smashed by Hester's angry fist, they were attacked by ruthless bullies who get off on the "power" of hurting other people.   And I imagine it would be easy for them to think that God does not care about them.  Like Jenny in Forrest Gump who prayed "Dear God... make me a bird... make me a bird so I can fly far, far away (from her abusive father)," these kids might be wondering WHY God allows this pain and suffering to happen at all.


I don't want my next words to sound empty or condescending or out-of-touch, but I truly believe that while God may not have unleashed a bolt of lightening to smite your attacker, He was with you - each horrible minute - crying with you and helping you endure... and survive.  While He will not stop a human, one of His children, from making a free-will choice, He is heartbroken when one of His children commits such an evil and horrible act upon another.  At the same time, he feels every ounce of pain and suffering and shame you experience.  God, as Jesus, felt pain, hopelessness, embarrassment, heartache, sickness, suffering, and more at the hand of Pontius Pilate and his angry mob.  And every day, when people are cruel and inhumane to other people, I believe he feels double the pain - the pain of the victim as well as the pain and brokenness of the deranged or sick perpetrator of the attack(s).


While God won't interfere with anyone's free will, I believe, if you ask Him, he will gladly offer strength, healing, peace, and comfort - by placing other people in your life who will lift you up and support you as you deal with certain horrors and memories.  You were NOT alone then... and you are NOT alone now.   Surround yourself with kind and caring friends and family - you don't have to continue to stuff down these secrets... because the people who truly love you will support you and allow you to unburden your mind to them.


And while you may feel dirty or soiled like the Sharpie'd up forks from the last blog post, I believe that when you give your life to Jesus, and when you give your burdens and your secrets over to God - not only does He clean your fork... He gives you a whole new one.


To the people who read this who are holding horrors in their minds from their childhood or after, I pray that you will find strength and peace and healing.


Most sincerely,
Mags


PS - April is Sexual Assault and Awareness Month.  To find out how you can help, please visit RAINN and read about 7 easy ways you can support Survivors of Abuse.




*Not her real name... exactly.

Karoke Tuesday: Our God by Chris Tomlin

My oldest son started playing tackle football this year. They are an expansion team: everyone is brand new to the sport and are playing other teams who have been together for 2 or 3 years. Needless to say, we've lost every game so far... haven't even scored a touchdown yet. But we're hopeful! Hopeful that they'll continue to work and practice and learn the skills necessary to be competitive... or just make one goal. :)

Sometimes we feel like this just with life... Beaten down at every turn... Defeated in every game. We wish that we had that one secret weapon that would help give us the edge over whatever is battling us on a particular day.

That's why I like this song so much! Because Chris Tomlin's "Our God," reminds us that in our everyday life, we DO have a secret weapon to help us jump the hurtles! We have the most powerful and knowledgeable teammate of all... GOD! God is on our team! And this song reminds us that

...If Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

There are a lot of fan videos on YouTube - I decided to post this one because this author matched up Bible verses with the lyrics of the song... a solid reminder that it is Biblical TRUTH, that God is on our team... every day, every hour, every minute.

Some days... are tough days. Some days are full of loneliness, or sorrow, or despair, or pain. It's on those days, especially, where you have to hold on to the FACT that God is FOR YOU. God is on YOUR TEAM. And if God is on your team... however can you lose?

Find the complete lyrics, and listen to a sample HERE.
Another great YouTube video that features the song lyrics is HERE.

:) Mags

PS - Your comments and feedback left on this blog are GREATLY appreciated!

I Found God In A Rock...

Remember the movie, Forrest Gump? The love of Forrest's life was Jenny - a neighbor girl who drifted in and out of his life over the course of the movie. At one point, she returns to Alabama, and, on a walk with Forrest, stops by her childhood home. This is a home in which she suffered major abuse from her own father - and as all of those reminders bubble up in her mind, she starts grabbing rocks and throwing them over and over at the house... breaking windows, denting siding, etc. until she is physically exhausted.

Watching her, Forrest remarks, "Sometimes, there just aren't enough rocks."



Some people I have met have had trials in their lives that have "sucked beyond the telling of it..." (my favorite quote from Buffy...) Things in their past or present that have just made their life so hard that they are suffering from anxiety and depression, It would be SO nice to just be able to grab all the rocks they can, and T H R O W them as hard as they can to vanquish the demons that have plagued them.


But as in the movie, on your own, there just aren't enough rocks to take care of it.

My sister-in-law, Stephany is very wise. She and her husband lost their daughter, Julia, after just 6 days of life due to a chromosomal abnormality that was infused into each and every gene and chromosome in Julia's body. It has been over 3 years since Julia's death. Since then, they have struggled with infertility, employment issues, and numerous family issues. Any ONE of these elements could have turned either of them into a bitter or angry person. 3 years later, their circumstances have not changed... their daughter is still buried, economic hardships still linger from past employment struggles, family members and their neuroses still plague them.

HOWEVER... their attitudes HAVE changed...

They are not bitter... or angry... or holed up in the fetal position underneath Julia's crib. They live. They laugh. They have sad moments, sure - but they are not letting their circumstances ruin their lives. In fact, Stephany, herself, has said that they went from wailing "WHY ME, LORD?!!!" to wondering in awe, "Why ME, Lord?!" - not an angry cry for justice... but a query as to how in the world was God able to take such tragic events and enfuse them with the strength, wisdom, and fortitude to deal with everything?! God, alone, can grant you strength and peace - something that a whole wheelbarrow of rocks cannot do.


One of my kids' favorite Bible tales is the story of David and Goliath.

Goliath, a Philistine champion, is ENORMOUS - the biggest man the Israelite soldiers have ever seen. Standing nearly 9 feet tall can wearing 200 pounds of hearty chain link mail, he towers over any soldier who wishes a challenge.... especially over the young shepherd, David, who is armed only with a homemade slingshot and some rocks. David refuses to let his circumstances dictate his faith - he believes that God will empower him to best Goliath - and God does not let him down. In this case, only ONE rock was enough... ONE rock, powered by God was all that was needed.


The start of a new year is when people tend to make their New Year's Resolutions. Mark Twain once said, "New Year's is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." Most of us manage to keep our resolution for a few days (hours?) at best -then we toss them away when we realize that we aren't quite ready to commit to that particular self-improvement. But what if your resolution is to stop trying to change the circumstances around you - and to alter your attitude from the inside-out. Stop trying to FIX other people and let God work WITHIN you to change your reactions, your perceptions, your heart.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.

(Proverbs 3:5-6)

The change with worth the effort... I promise.

May your 2010 be filled with knowledge, peace, and contentment,

:) Mags

Death Is Nothing At All

Today is funeral day - My grandma-in-law passed away on August 1st after a 6-mth battle with colon cancer. It is a blessing, really - she was too old for chemo, too frail for radation, and despite surgery, the cancer had spread. Moved to a nursing facility (which I lovingly refer to as "Geriatric Jail"), she was quite unhappy and even tried to ESCAPE twice! (LOVE that moxy!) So going home to Jesus, her husband, her son, and her granddaughter, Julia, is truly a reason to celebrate.

Despite everyone knowing she is "better off," there is a hole in our hearts. She was a mother, a grandma, a great-grandma, a guardian, a daughter, a sister, a friend. She is reunited with many of her loved ones, yes, but still many live here on Earth and feel the loss.

My favorite "death" poem was one that my Aunt, Great Annie, loved as well - because as long as we keep the memories of our loved ones close to our hearts, their death is nothing at all...

Death Is Nothing At All

"Death is nothing at all...
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me the easy way
which you always used. Laugh as we always laughed together.

Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be the household word it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was;
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of your mind because I am out of your sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near just around the corner.

All is well. Nothing is past; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before -
Only better, infinitely happier, and forever..."


--words attributed to Carmelite Monastery, County Waterford, Ireland